Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
