I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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