She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I'm really busy with my period
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