I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
