you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
