Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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