I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
