Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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