today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
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You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
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The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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