Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
