just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
