How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
