So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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