My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize