3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
