The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
