I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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