omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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