I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
