**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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