Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
