every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
