it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
