You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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