feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
