Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
