All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
