Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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