I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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