Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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