I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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