I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
