My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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