It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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