i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
