So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
