The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
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