Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
