I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Everything about him screamed your future.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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