Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
