i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
