Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Having a random hookup so left but love u
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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