apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
