This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Randomize
