My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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