I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
