i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
