i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
