Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
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She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
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Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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