I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
