So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I touched a dick in church today
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
