Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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