i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
