i was born a porn star she said
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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