meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
