Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
